Sex as a means of communication
Sex is a way to communicate – yet few of us have the communication skills which allow us to exchange information about our needs and desires honestly with our partners.
Yet the irony is that when we can communicate openly, sex is greatly enhanced, and indeed so is our everyday life: we are able to ask for our needs to be met, so we can be loved in the way we want, when we want – and we can ask for these things when we wish them, knowing it is our right to get them.
You’ll see how there is a symmetry to this: for you cannot give these things to you lover unless you know what he or she wants during sex.
Listening and hearing each other are crucial processes for lovers engaged in Tantric sex – you cannot meet another’s needs when you are narcissistically wrapped up in your own needs, and you cannot give openly to another unless you abandon expectation of reward or reciprocal giving.
Tantric sex is sex without selfishness. This, of course is the skill of the lover. (The “lover” is not just a term for your sexual partner, but also a term used specifically to refer to a part of human psyche – the lover archetype.)
As the cliché has it, the best way to get love is to give love – but you have to be able to give it first, and give it without expectation of receiving love in return.
I’m not sure I agree with the statement I’ve heard that Western sex is about taking first, while the more spiritual Tantric sex is about giving first, because I believe a lot of people practice this kind of approach to sex anyway.
What is true is that you must give during sex to be able to reach the heights of Tantric pleasure. As you will find – if you have not already done so – giving another person, one whom you love, sexual pleasure can be one of the most rewarding experiences in life.
Do this alternately, man and woman receiving and giving. If it’s the woman who is to receive from her partner first, the man’s objective is to show her that she is a true goddess. This is the real beauty of the sexual goddess, the epitome of the energy of the lover, an archetype that all women have inside them, and which is never far from the surface.
As the man, you are her warrior, the archetypal counterpart to her goddess lover. So run her a warm bath, and decorate the bathroom with incense and candles; invest time and energy in pampering her, so she can relax while you wash her all over.
Let her dictate what happens by having her tell you how she likes to be pampered, and then do it for her. This is a process in which you are really worshipping her as a manifestation of the ultimate female (sexual, divine) energy. It is the heart centred leader, also known as the sovereign queen energy, of your woman.
After her bath have her lie down on the bed or even on a rug in front of the fire, and give her a sensual massage with essential oils.
The idea of this massage is to explore her body, using a sensuous but non-sexual touch. As you do this, she will put her attention into her body, trying to be fully “present” in the skin where you touch her, so that she feels her skin tingle with energy.
She must tell him you what she likes, what feels good, where she likes to be touched most, and how you should touch her – what degree of pressure, how to move your hands. If she wants to have an orgasm, then by all means move into a sexual phase of the massage, using your tongue, fingers and mouth to bring her to orgasm – but this is not about sex, so please don’t have intercourse.
It’s about you giving her your complete attention, taking an opportunity to worship the divine feminine.
And while this continues, the woman should revel in the experience of being the worshipped goddess, and do her best to get into touch with whatever she is feeling, sexual or otherwise. So let him touch you – you are not attending to his sexual needs right now, so if he gets an erection, leave it alone!
You can relish the feeling of him worshipping you in this way, and also revel in the sense of being a goddess in human form!
The next time you do this, swap over. Let her take a turn at worshipping her man, and let him take his turn at relaxing and accepting what is done to him as she worships his particular expression of the divine sexual energy, perhaps a part of him which we might see as king or sovereign energy.
Follow the same routine as before: start with her bathing him, and let her give him a massage. As the man, tell her what you like to be touched, how you like to be touched, and let her touch you – relax, be sensuous, and let her bring you to orgasm using her hands and mouth if you wish, but remember that sex is not just about having an orgasm……
Not about having an orgasm?!
The focus of Tantric sex is on the energy generated by making love and exchanging that energy during sex – both of these things are not directly related to the male orgasm.
While a lot of us think of sex as something that culminates in orgasm, and that’s true for men especially, an alternative view is that sexual encounters can be about sensuous loving, energy exchange, and honest connection with your partner.
And as you progress, you will find that the male orgasm and being able to stop premature ejaculation with PC muscle control are quite separate processes, so ejaculation need not be the goal during sex for either men or women.
Once you lose your focus on the goal of sex as being an orgasm, you can begin to look instead at sex as a process, and all sorts of possibilities open up for you – increased energy, increased intimacy, increased openness and greater spirituality, to name but a few. Besides which, it’s great just to have your partner worship you in this way.