What Is Delayed Ejaculation ?
In delayed or retarded ejaculation, no matter how long the man thrusts in the vagina or has his penis stimulated in any other way by a partner he cannot reach orgasm and ejaculation.
(If he masturbates himself he can usually ejaculate within a minute or two.)
Delayed ejaculation is psychologically caused in 75% of cases. See the causes here.
In the rest it is physically caused and a man experiences delayed ejaculation during masturbation as well. It is, therefore, more difficult to treat than premature or too rapid ejaculation.
In the ordinary course of events, ability to prolong sexual arousal responses for a long time would be regarded as an advantage. This is not so with delayed ejaculation, for the sexual tensions build up continuously with no relief through orgasm and ejaculation.
This can cause huge frustration and embarrassment, so much so that they may wind up turned off sex altogether with their relationship crumbling around them.
A recent survey found that this condition – delayed ejaculation – affects around one man in twelve. At least, that is the number who admitted to having the experience of not being able to reach orgasm during intercourse at least once in the preceding year – and many of them said that delayed ejaculation was an ongoing problem.
Now, it’s true that an occasional problem is of no concern – it can be due to tiredness or stress – but never being able to ejaculate is a fairly serious issue. So what can you do about it?
The answer, happily, is rather a lot. First, think about which part of you needs attention: the penis or the mind? If it is the mind, you may find the concept of Jung’s archetypes helpful.
He split the psychology of the human mind into easily understandable parts – what he called the King, the Warrior, the Magician and The Lover. These represent parts of yourself: respectively, the leader, the action taker, the thinker and the part of you which desires connection with another human being above all else.
These archetypal concepts offer a simple and easy way to understand the human shadow. This is the part of yourself which, since childhood you have hidden, repressed and denied. We all hide away parts of ourselves because they are not acceptable to the people around us during childhood. All children wish to keep their parents’ love and approval. What do we do with the unacceptable parts of ourselves?
We push them into the unconscious, what call Jung called the Shadow. By doing emotional process work on these parts as an adult, we can reclaim the hidden or suppressed parts of ourselves and reintegrate that energy inside us.
This helps us to become whole human beings. The work that therapists do on this suppressed part of our humanity is called, variously, shadow work, emotional processing, healing the shadow, emotional healing and so on. You can read a lot more about shadow work here.
Medical causes of delayed ejaculation
For example, do you have a medical condition, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, or allergies? Are you taking medications for these or for anxiety or depression? Sometimes medications to treat such conditions have side effects that result in delayed ejaculation.
If your problem coincided with the start of a new medication then head off to your doctor to discuss what can be done about this, including changing medication.
Have you had prostate surgery? If so, you may remember being warned about the possibility of a “dry” or retrograde ejaculation. In this case the ejaculatory fluid goes into the bladder instead of out the urethra. Although this is a permanent condition you may still be able to reach orgasm.
A thorough evaluation and discussion with your physician or a medical specialist, such as a urologist, can establish what you may need to do.
If you have not had any health changes and/or this has been a longstanding problem, that has slowly gotten worse, then a different strategy is called for. In that case your long lasting erections without ejaculation may be caused by any number of anxiety-related concerns.
The fact is that men with delayed ejaculation are often not very aroused, even though they have hard erections: and this lack of arousal usually has its basis in a lack of emotional closeness to the partner, or some other emotional issue which affects the relationship.
Some men have conscious and unconscious worries that block their ejaculations. They may worry about hurting the woman, about pregnancy, or they may have guilt about having sexual pleasure (often religious injunctions).
They may have difficulties with intimacy and/or commitment. They may also be haunted by that nemesis of sexual dysfunctions – performance anxiety. In other words, they are just plain trying too hard. In these instances the man is so concerned about giving his partner pleasure that he loses track of his own.
Giving up control and putting yourself first is an effective route to full sexual functioning, but this can be hard to do. The best route to intimacy and equality in sex is through a series of techniques collectively known as sensate focus. These are described on another post on this blog.
Sensate focus works because it establishes intimacy and this permits sexual desire to re-establish itself.
Some men have a need for more vigorous touch to reach orgasm than is offered by the ever so pleasurable but soft and yielding vagina. These situations can be remedied with the following exercises.
But sometimes when the problem has been around for a long time or the couple is locked in chronic patterns and impasses, the guidance of an experienced sex therapist that help the couple explore these issues and help them focus on pleasure, arousal and non-demanding touch (which means not feeling you have to reach orgasm, nor do you have to give your partner an orgasm).
An understanding of human psychology can help you explain and possibly cure sexual problems.
The following five step set of exercises should help you on your way. If you are asking how much time to spend on each step or how long others take to “finish” the steps see the above reference to performance anxiety. Each person and each couple has a unique pace. The goal is to be able to build trust, lower anxiety, and relax with your partner — you have a long time ahead of you to get to know and give pleasure to each other.
- Step 1
The resolution begins with you talking with your partner about your concerns and admitting that it’s a problem. It’s amazing how frequently a man who has not ejaculated with his partner for years has somehow convinced her, and even himself, that the status quo is just fine. Orgasm may not be everything — but it does matter.
- Step 2
After acknowledging and discussing the situation, the next major step is just as critical, and can be just as embarrassing — masturbating to ejaculation with your partner present (which, as noted above, is possible in the vast majority of non-medical cases). After you are successful with that the rest is easy.
- Step 3
Once you can relax enough to ejaculate with her present, simply substitute her hand for yours (i.e., allowing someone else to have that control).
- Step 4
The next stage involves gradually ejaculating closer and closer to the vaginal opening.
- Step 5
Finally, when you are comfortable with this and ready for the final stage tell your partner to pick a time, without telling you, and wait until you are very close to orgasm then she should insert the penis and let nature take its course.
A few final tips to maximize your success.
First, do not masturbate without your partner once you start this sequence, because as you know, the more you ejaculate the lower your urgency and need becomes.
Second, many men report that tensing and relaxing the muscles in their buttocks as they near orgasm can help trigger the contractions of ejaculation, so practice this exercise. Next use a lot of lubrication both pre- and post-penetration.
Finally, if the reason for you confronting this problem is to get your partner pregnant, agree to put off conceiving a child until at least three months following your completion of the above sequence. For many men there is nothing that immobilizes ejaculation like the prospect of fatherhood.