Dominance and submission
It’s important when you’re pleasuring somebody to follow your instincts, because they’re likely to be correct. For example, if somebody wishes you to continue touching them, but you think that they’ve had enough, you can stop.
One of the side-effects of this is that it opens up the opportunity of pleading or begging on the part of the person being pleasured.
One of the reasons that you can have a lot of fun with this is because it allows the person who’s doing the pleasuring to express their dominant role.
Video – dominance and submission
This is not an easy subject to convey in a few lines, but what it amounts to is that sex provides plenty of opportunity for men and women to explore the sense of being dominant or submissive, and to experience the reward that can come from taking either of those roles.
In the context of extended pleasuring, having the person being pleasured begging for further stimulation is a very safe way of exploring the possibility of dominance and submission.
So if you wish to explore this, when the person being pleasured wants to continue, they should talk in a way that is very respectful and polite — this may be about dominance and submission, but it’s not about sadism and masochism.
So words that are suitable to the occasion include: “Would you be kind enough to continue pleasuring me, my lover?” or a simple “Please, don’t stop now.”
What’s going on here is a process which allows the person who is being pleasured to admit that they are receiving the pleasure of the other person’s touch, and that they are giving themselves over to him/her in some way that allows the evolution of dominance and submissiveness person in the relationship.
Please note that we regard dominance and submission play as acceptable only between adults who consent to it. Why? Because, for one thing, it can rapidly escalate if the role of dominant or submissive touches the shadow side of a person’s character and personality.
There are plenty of places on the Internet where you can learn more about dominance and submission.
This can mean two or three things — it can mean advanced skill on the part of the person doing the pleasuring, or it can refer to the amount of pleasure that the person being pleasured gets from what’s happening.
Some women and indeed some men can flow naturally into extended orgasm and enjoy it almost from the first time they experience it, gaining great pleasure from long intense orgasms.
With a degree of training, it’s even possible for women to reach orgasm with minimal stimulation of the clitoris — achieving orgasm with something as simple as you breathing air over the clitoris and not even touching it.
People like this have a very fine appreciation of their own bodies and what they’re capable of, and always know when you’re touching the most sensitive spot on their genitals, which is very useful if you happen to be rather inexperienced, simply because it will actually allow you a great much greater chance of success.
Even so, you still have to pay a great deal of attention to what you’re doing, and remember to take breaks. Also, remember the peaking techniques that you learnt earlier.
The basic requirements of all extended orgasms are the same — which is to say, you keep your attention fully focused on your partner, so you’re occupying the same spiritual and emotional space, so that you notice except what’s happening, and you go with your feelings.
However with somebody who is basically very advanced in these sexual techniques, you can extend the process for much longer, and you can take shorter breaks.
One of the dangers of being more experienced is that one of you may become lazy: it’s important that if you notice this you point it out the person concerned so in the future they can pay close attention.
As always, it’s important to be positive and to communicate in a way that doesn’t lower trust and intimacy, and, once again intention is everything. Which raises the question: “Just what is intention?”
For example, is it the intention to last longer in bed and control your ejaculation, or something more subtle, like the intention to have the best sex possible? (Which may involve making sex last longer.)
A simple answer is that intention is directing your focus, attention and desire to produce a certain outcome in the universe. It’s almost a spiritual process, in that you invoke mysterious processes that are determined by the subconscious mind, even when mediated by the conscious mind.
The level at which you focus attention into the same space as your partner is certainly below conscious awareness.
For example, as the person you’re pleasuring experiences higher or lower levels of orgasmic pleasure and arousal, you’ll probably feel similar fluctuations in your own body. These are certainly not consciously mediated, but allow you to establish connection with your partner.
One manifestation of intention is how you communicate to your partner, what you express about the objective of the session: when you have strong intention, you will always have the clear focus and direction that goes with it, which means that your success level will be much higher.
What this means is that strong intention allows you to bring a woman’s arousal up (or a man’s) easily and quickly with focused stimulation. You can demonstrate your clear intention by clear communication and directly talking to your partner about what you’re going to do.
Clarity of intention and clear instruction are very effective particularly with an advanced partner who knows the process and understands how the mechanism of extended orgasm works. Such clear focus is likely to enable you to give her one of the best orgasms she’s ever experienced.
Many people think that simultaneous orgasms during sex are the height of human sexual experience.
That’s a viewpoint we wouldn’t necessarily share, but it’s certainly worthwhile experiencing it, and if you’re skilful at pleasuring your partner, and he or she is skilful pleasuring you, then it’s not too difficult to achieve simultaneous orgasm.
As always, communication is essential — in fact, it’s even more essential when you’re trying to go for simultaneous orgasm than it is in any other kind of orgasmic pleasuring.
But first of all you have to get into the right sex position.
Have the woman lie on her back on the bed, while her partner lies on his left side if he is right-handed (and obviously the other way round if he’s left-handed), facing in the opposite direction. He should place his head near his partner’s genitals and have his partner’s head near his genitals, so that they can both see and easily reach each other’s genitals.
They can use plenty of pillows to prop themselves up so that they are comfortable and relaxed in whatever position they use. If you want to improve sex with treatments designed to stop PE, this is a site well worth checking out.
The man starts by pleasuring the woman, who’s lying on her back, while the man lies on his left side with his left arm between her legs making sure that he’s resting comfortably on his forearm.
He uses his right hand to stroke her vulva and clitoris, in the way that he would as normal in any pleasuring session.
He uses the familiar techniques we’ve already discussed, including lubrication, teasing and stroking; he communicates constantly with her so that she knows what he’s doing all the time in the session; and together they gradually move into experiencing regular pleasurable strokes that make her peak.
Once she’s reached the state were she is more or less coming continuously the man can relax and continue to stroke her consistently so she continues to experience her peaks.
At this stage she can prop herself up on her side and begin to pleasure the man while he continues to pleasure her. If it helps the couple to achieve mutual stimulation, she can pleasure him orally by placing the glans of his penis between her lips while stroking the shaft and coronal ridge of his penis with her hands.
She shouldn’t move her mouth up and down on his penis, but simply enjoy the feel of it on her lips and tongue while she strokes his shaft. Communication can be somewhat difficult in this situation, but it is necessary, as always, to keep communication going. Below is another technique that advanced lovers may like to try.
Achieving great simultaneous orgasms during sex through the coital alignment technique or CAT is all about the position and type of thrusting movement. First, good old-fashioned man on top. The woman lies down on her back and her partner lies on top of her so that his pelvic area is slightly over hers.
When his erect penis enters her vagina, he should be positioned so that it presses against the soft mound or mons pubis at the top of her vagina.
She should then wrap her legs around her partner’s thighs, taking care to ensure they are bent at no more than a 45-degree angle, which means that her ankles rest on his calves.
Coital alignment technique
The man needs to support his weight by resting rest fully atop his partner, and not using his elbows or knees. This may be uncomfortable to the woman, but try to stick with it……now for the movement.
The key to CAT orgasms is a very limited movement; indeed, the limited bodily movements required are of the pelvic area only.
And in fact, when you’ve got yourself into the position that’s needed for CAT sex, what you find is that typical thrusting back and forth is practically impossible. It is the man who must set the rhythm of sex in this technique; but the woman’s movement is just as important as his (quite a contrast to normal missionary position sex!).
Here’s how you can join in the fun: first, she moves her pelvis upwards so that she pushes her partner backward. As she does so, the man sustains counter pressure against the force of her pelvis, and in particular on her clitoris.
Next, the woman forces her pelvis in a downward direction; her man responds by also pushing downward. Now the woman must maintain counter pressure against his erection. As her pelvis moves downwards and backwards, the shaft of the man’s erect penis must move forward so that it is almost completely out of her vagina (though it must not completely emerge).
The trick is to keep the penis and clitoris bound together throughout sex as a result of pressure and counter pressure.
You can’t do this during the sliding and thrusting of normal sex as the man moves in and only partly out of the vaginal canal. CAT sex involves something more like a long kiss between clitoris and penis….stop thinking of a piston pumping back and forth, and think mutual rocking.
This may well enable you to last longer in bed during sex.
Now, what could go wrong? Well, one thing is that you might feel that your partner isn’t paying enough attention to your genitals. Another is having trouble deciding whether you should be feeling your own pleasure or focusing on giving your partner pleasure.
The best way to deal with this is simply to enjoy yourself! You don’t have to do either of these all the time — you can do them both at the same time, or alternately. The real secret is to lose the sense of ego which can disrupt both giving and receiving pleasure.
As in Tantric sex, one of the amazing things about this position is that energy can circulate through both your bodies. It goes from the man’s penis into the woman’s mouth, down her body to her yoni and then from her yoni into the man’s fingers. As you enjoy this experience together, it’s necessary to use all the techniques of pleasuring. These include reporting to each other all the signs of orgasm that you witness, and providing plenty of acknowledgement and affirmation.
As you go through extended peaks on the way to your ultimate orgasm, you can both stimulate and stroke each other at the same time, and you can pause and take breaks together, so that you’re peaking together.
You’ll find that the more aroused one of you becomes, the more aroused the other becomes, which makes it much easier to time your orgasm to the same point. The Bodanskys offer a very clear description of what an extended simultaneous orgasm experience might be like in their book.