How To Talk About Sex

How To Talk About Sex

I mentioned earlier that good communication is vital to intimacy, a good relationship, and most of all a good sex life.

If you’re having trouble communicating about intimate matters with your partner, then you need to do something about it!

The truth is that just “having sex” isn’t enough. You need to talk about sex. For one thing, you can only effectively communicate what you want when you can express it to your partner in words. And talking about sex strengthens the bond between a couple and makes for intimacy and a relaxed attitude to sex. This kind of communication also reduces anxiety and provides reassurance that your needs and wishes will be fulfilled.

Unfortunately men are often reluctant to talk about sex. There are many reasons why this is so, but of course high on the list is the fact that men often do not know how to express thoughts and feelings about sex to their partner.

Then again, you may think that talking about your feelings is feminine, and a real man should be the strong, silent type. Or you may not even know what you want from your partner sexually, and therefore be unable to express it. And of course you may think that if you express what you secretly desire she will judge you for it.

But the truth is this: as far as sex goes, anything and everything can be incorporated into a couple’s sex life without shame, provided that both agree and there is no coercion by one partner to get the other to agree to something they don’t like.

So please don’t fall into the trap of thinking that just because you see what you want as somehow “wrong” it is ether a bad idea to ask for it or impossible to get it.

Your partner may be delighted to explore your sexual desires with you. All the possibilities that sex offers can be great fun, and it’s always enjoyable to find out if you like something or not. In short there’s nothing wrong with asking for what you want, no matter how off-beat it may seem to you.

And another thing: there’s no harm in telling your partner that she’s doing something you don’t like. So if she touches you in a way you don’t like, or sucks your penis when you don’t feel like having your penis pleasured in that way, just tell her! The same goes for anything else that happens between you in your sex life: because open and honest communication is essential to an enjoyable sex life.

The reality is that no woman can ever know exactly what you want sexually, and so you may need to express your desires verbally. You certainly can’t blame your partner for not knowing what you want if you’ve never communicated your wishes, needs and desires to her.

There are many examples that would serve to show how inhibited a couple can be about their sexual needs, even when they have spent years having sex. For example, do you each know if your partner masturbates, and how often? Why not check it out with each other and perhaps share the experience?

(If you’re lacking ideas for greater intimacy and connection in your sex life, there are some inspirational and very tasteful – albeit sexually explicit – videos of a couple who demonstrate sensual and honest ways of enjoying sexual touch at katemarley.com – link correct at time of writing)

Needless to say, it’s just as important that a woman communicates her wishes and needs to you. But you can make that easier by asking her what she wants from you sexually. (This is another example of how good communication is essential for a good sex life.)

There’s another compelling reason to engage in a healthy dialogue about sex with your partner.

If you never talk to each other about sex, you are likely to spend a lot of time fantasizing and worrying about what is going on for her, whether you are satisfying her, what you should be doing, and so on.

This energy takes you away from being in the moment, and just “doing it”.  But there are many other practical things you can explore, as well.

Points to check:

Do you need a good book about delayed ejaculation? If so, this may be worth a read: How to overcome delayed ejaculation at home in private.

  • Are you willing to spend time looking at each other’s sexual parts, and exploring them to become completely familiar and comfortable with them? Are you willing to ask her to show them to you? If not, why not?
  • Is she embarrassed about the idea of you looking closely at her vulva and breasts? If so, is she relaxed about sex, or does she have an up-tight attitude which is contributing to your sexual issues?
  • Has she explained to you the location of her clitoris, how sensitive it can be, and how she likes it to be touched? Will you ask her to show it to you?
  • Have you explored your partner’s vagina with a finger, found her G spot, tasted her vaginal juices, and explored oral pleasure?
  • Has she explained to you the difference between stimulating her clitoris and her vagina, and how this feels to her?
  • Has she ever masturbated to orgasm with you watching, to see how she likes to be touched? If not, will you try this? (And vice versa.)
  • Has she explored your genitals in the way described above?
  • Has she tasted your pre-come, pleasured you orally, and explored your balls, cock, perineum and anus?
  • Has she ever masturbated you to orgasm? If not, will you try this?
  • Have you ever masturbated to orgasm in front of her? If not, will you try this?
  • Have you discussed the things that you like to think about when you masturbate? If not, could you do so?
  • Have you discussed or tried ways to reach orgasm that do not include penetration? This could include: oral sex, rubbing your penis between her breasts or buttocks (or any other part of her body).
  • Have you discussed ways in which your partner could be satisfied without penetrative sex? In other words, would she be happy with oral sex or masturbation as a means of reaching orgasm, especially if you are having problems getting aroused and into the sexual experience?
  • And so on. These examples are intended to emphasise the need for good communication in establishing a satisfying sex life – which includes overcoming delayed ejaculation.