Pleasuring a Novice
Suppose you are working with somebody who has not experienced extended orgasm before. You need to start by asking them questions – almost interviewing them, in fact – to find out as much as you can about what they like and how they like to be sexually touched.
You also need to communicate with them exactly what you’re intending to do, and what expectations you have about their experience, both in terms of what will happen and what they’ll feel.
They need to know what to expect, and if have doubts about how they look and how their body will respond to the stimulation, it’s important that you reassure them by telling them that you enjoy looking at their body, that their body is attractive, and that you’re sure both of you will enjoy the experience of touching/being touched.
Confidence is everything. And by communicating this confidence to the person who is taking part in the extended orgasm experience with you, you can make sure that the route to their orgasmic bliss is facilitated.
Communication is important, because it removes the mystery from any sexual experience and it allows them to work out what you’re going to do, and what they’re expected to do — which is simply to relax and relinquish control.
When you describe the experience, make sure you tell them how long it is expected to last: for a first timer that’s probably 5 to 10 minutes, although at the end of this period you can both decide to continue for longer, or you can stop.
Give a beginner at the chance to express their doubts and fears, so that you can reassure them about what’s going to happen: tell them, for example, that there is no right or wrong in this process, whatever happens happens, and that it’s courageous of them to experience it for the first time. In general try and alleviate any fears and doubts that they may have.
And remember that no matter how experienced you may be, it’s OK for a first timer to express whatever is on their mind, and it’s up to you as the person pleasuring them into extended orgasm to deal with this in a way that reassures them and allows them to surrender control to you.
Equally, of course, make sure that you know what you’re doing: make sure you’ve reviewed how to communicate with your partner during the experience, and also that you’re confident about the techniques you’ll be using. Tell the person you’re pleasuring that if they want to speak, they can do so, but they don’t need to, and you’ll be in charge.
If you’re working with somebody who’s not experienced, or doesn’t know you particularly well, and you’re a man, you may wish to leave your clothes on the first few times.
This is a good way of communicating the fact that she has no responsibility to pleasure you, or reciprocate, and that she simply should lie back and enjoy the experience without worrying about orgasm or intercourse.
As you gain greater intimacy, you may be comfortable together while you’re both naked. Watch out for a first timer’s response, particularly in a woman who is experiencing this for the first time: she may take a few strokes and then space out, losing her attention, and not focusing on the experience that she’s meant to be enjoying.
If you see this happening, take a break, and discuss with her what she is experiencing, and tell her how she’ll enjoy the experience more if she manages to keep her attention focused on it.
Explain that you are taking breaks every so often, and tell her how long these are likely to last — remember, that if you’re working with a woman with some experience, these can be very brief pauses, although for a novice it may be better if they are slightly longer so that you can check in with her how it’s going for her.
Once she’s got the experience, breaks don’t need to be more than the time of two or three strokes.
It’s important that the person receiving pleasure understands that the goal is not simply about knowing how you can make a woman orgasm, it’s actually enjoying the pleasure that he/she experiences in each moment of the experience.
Some people who are experiencing extended orgasm for the first time will get very aroused and excited – which is not necessarily a good thing since it detracts from feeling the strokes as you stimulate them.
A sense of calm anticipation will produce a better extended orgasm than wild excitement, the energy of which can get stuck in different parts of the body and detract from both the pleasure of the moment.
If the person you’re working with is experienced in energy work, you can ask them to move the energy out of their genitals and around their body, or if you have experience in energy work you can do this for them. As always, explain what you’re doing and remember to communicate with questions that require a “yes” or “no” answer rather than complex thinking processes.
One of the ways in which you can move energy around the body is to use your hands to move the energy around the body: you can start with their head, and move your hand slowly down to the genitals, or you can start on the genitals and move the energy to the heart; it’s about moving the energy from where it’s stuck rather than moving it to a particular place.
If you’re an experienced energy worker you will be able to feel the energy in your hands as a sense of heat or cold or perhaps a sense of tingling.
Remember that about 5% of people who receive energy from you will undergo dramatic movements of the body. If so, then it’s probably wise to stop the energy work and continue with peaking, since movement of the body will probably detract from the extended orgasm experience. In any event, the removal of energy that is so stuck in the body that it makes the muscles twitch and thrash in this way needs to be done in a controlled way.
It’s also possible that somebody who has such a response to hands-on healing or hands-on energy work may not be able to experience a full body orgasm until they’ve cleared a considerable amount of the body memory behind this response.
If a woman is new to the experience of having her clitoris directly touched in a way that is necessary for extended orgasm, she may be worried about how it will feel.
All you have to do to get over this is to proceed slowly. You can also use plenty of lubricant and gently put it on to the tip of her exposed clitoris, communicating everything that you do to her so that she is in no doubt about your intentions.
You can move your finger in all directions on the tip of her clitoris once you’ve well lubricated it, using light strokes and ensuring you check in with the woman concerned frequently to make sure that the experience feels good.
Remember that a tentative touch may feel unpleasant, and certainly reduce her trust in you and her ability to surrender to you.
If you’re unfamiliar with the body of the person you’re working with, it might be a good idea to ask them if you can explore their genitals before you begin, so that you’re entirely familiar with the territory that you’ll be working on.
As you may realize, this takes a considerable degree of trust between the person pleasuring and the person being pleasured.
Remember that everybody has different shapes and sizes of genitals, and acceptance of whatever and whoever you are dealing with, regardless of what they look like, is important to the success of the process.
Keep talking to the person you’re pleasuring, so that you convey to them your own experience — this will be reassuring to them, as it lest them know what you’re experiencing, thinking and feeling as you pleasure them.
To elicit their response to the process, don’t forget to ask them questions, but don’t encourage them to talk; if they do start talking volubly it’s probably a defense against their nervousness, so encourage them to relax, remain quiet, and accept the experience for what it is.
You have a major role to play in managing their expectations and explaining to them what may or may not happen: by doing this carefully and thoroughly before you start, you can ensure the experience is comfortable for both you and the person being pleasured.
If the person being pleasured, particularly when it’s a woman, starts to tense up and thrash around once you’re pleasuring, you need to stop and explain that this process is very different from conventional orgasm, and the best way that she can enjoy it is by remaining still, relaxing her body, and feeling your finger stimulating her.
If she continues to struggle or thrash about, then simply stop rubbing and allow her to relax. The more she can relax, the more you be able to pleasure her and the higher the peaks she’ll achieve.
If it takes a while for her to learn to surrender her trust to you, that’s OK — your confidence and clarity of intention is so important, because they will both convey to her that she is safe, healthy and also, very importantly, protected because you know what you’re doing.
If you made an agreement to continue pleasuring for a certain length of time, make sure you stop at that time and then find out whether you both wish to continue.
If the time is up and you don’t feel that it’s good idea to continue, then simply tell your partner that you’ll pleasure her for a few more strokes, and that if her arousal doesn’t increase, you’ll stop. Make sure this is what you do.
As the person doing the pleasuring, if you don’t have enough confidence and experience to know when somebody’s had enough, check it out in the way described.
It’s also a good idea to talk about the experience when it’s finished, because you can enhance communication between the two of you, and it also helps to break down barriers about sex. Indeed, the more you discuss the experience, the better it will be for you both, so try and remember specific points you’d like to talk about later.
Of course learning how to pleasure somebody in this way means that you will eventually become familiar with all these best sex positions and be able to enjoy them during sex without thinking.
Then you can let fun be the predominant ingredient of your sex sessions: lightheartedness, openness and ease of communication can add massively to the success of an extended orgasm experience.
But this has to be done with a big heart and with good intentions — if you decide to tease her, perhaps by taking her from one peak to a higher one, after telling her you’re going to stop stimulating her, make sure that you’re doing this with good intent and not out of some shadowy motive about punishing or getting revenge on a woman.
Provided it’s done cleanly and with fun, teasing is a good idea for both men and women, and it can be helpful for both novices and advanced students of the art of extended orgasm.
In teasing a woman, you can basically use the clitoris as the focal point for her experience of extended orgasm. So for example, you can start by touching all over her pubic area with your fingers or the palm of your hand.
Then move on to pressing your knuckles against her vagina, teasing and playing with her inner labia, playing with the area above her clitoris, perhaps pressing the shaft indirectly through her labia or teasing her clitoris with a little pressure before releasing.
Basically what you’re doing is stimulating her without ever actually touching the most sensitive part of her clitoris. You can also tease her while you stimulate her by informing her, say, that perhaps your next stroke will be the last one, but then going on with pleasuring her.
As the Bodanskys observe, the difference between teasing and torture comes down to the fact that when you’re teasing someone they know they’ll eventually get gratification whereas in torture, the object is to make somebody uncomfortable by depriving them of gratification.
Having a genuine interest in your partner is a major step in establishing trust and communication between the two of you; but you can be playful, light-hearted, and curious when you engage in an extended pleasuring session even with somebody you don’t know.
Positions to use during extended orgasm
Have an ample supply of pillows on the bed so that you can build a comfortable “nest” in which to practice with your partner. And have everything you need within arm’s length you don’t have to get up in the middle of the process, and if you want to have music, make sure that that’s handy as well.
Take up a sex position in which you can see your partner’s genitals close up and in which you can also see their face: that way you can communicate easily while observing what’s happening to each other.
You can either sit up against the pillows with the person you’re pleasuring or you can lie on your side.
If you’re sitting up, you can sit on a chair next to the bed fully dressed with your partner lying at right angles to you on the bed, or you can sit at the head of the bed with your legs folded, while your partner lies in front of you, and you use the pillows and cushions to support yourself.
One favored position, if you are the person providing the pleasure, is for you to sit up against pillows at the head of the bed and have your partner lying across in front of you so that your leg closest to your partner’s face is placed across their abdomen with your leg crooked at the knee.
You can rest your arm on the knee of your own bent leg, which can help you relax during the process of pleasuring. Your other leg can extend underneath your partner’s legs.
If you’re right-handed, your partner’s face should be to your left; if you’re left-handed, have her / him lie the other way round.
If you’re doing this lying on your sides, make sure that if you’re right-handed you start by lying on your left side. Have your head near the feet end of your partner’s body and then put a pillow under your partner’s leg so that you’re lying on your side with your free arm between your partner’s legs.
Ensure you’re resting on your forearm. Your chest should lie on a pillow resting on your partner’s legs. Your pleasuring hand is free to stroke and you can add any pillows you like to this arrangement for extra comfort.
We mentioned earlier that being playful during sex can help in the achievement of extended orgasm and reduction of premature ejaculation – showing your partner how a man can consider various premature ejaculation treatments so he and his partner may enjoy sex without performance anxiety or fear of rapid ejaculation.
This should allow more foreplay – there is less urgency around penetration – which might involve lots of teasing, lots of seduction, lots of light-hearted interaction between the two of you.
All of this will help overcome any resistance. But playfulness doesn’t mean you’re grabbing or tickling your partner or doing something sudden unexpected or disruptive to the mood.
Being playful means having a genuine rapport and engaging with your partner in a way that will ensure the fun rubs off on them. It’s about not taking yourself too seriously, or taking them too seriously, or taking the experience too seriously.
You need to judge this carefully, because if you do anything that offends your partner or feels like it’s impinging on their boundaries, or feels inappropriate to them in the moment, they’ll shut down to some degree, and then the chances of success will be much less.
The reason that playfulness works is because it’s a childlike quality, and it’s usually a person’s inner child which decides whether or not to trust you in such an intimate situation.
Play with different pressures of touch, and use lots of lubricant to make sure that your touch is appreciated; play with other erotic areas including a woman’s labia, the anus in men and women, a man’s genitals (he may enjoy different pressure on the penis and testicles), and, if you’re a woman stimulating a man, play with his scrotum. In all cases, use your imagination and you’ll enjoy the experience all the more